Before I continue with what I had written years ago, there is a gap to fill in. Earlier, I had not written about the downward spiral that my drinking caused, the slide of self-destruction I was barreling down, faster and faster. NOT the most favorite part of my life!
I began drinking at university. All the kids I knew partied. That's what weekends were for, right? However, right from the start, once I had a drink, I didn't know when to stop, and nine times out of ten I would end up drunk.
Later, I got married, we built a house on the farm, and settled down to raise a family. During those years, we didn't drink on a regular basis at all, but if there was a dance or a party occasionally, I usually ended up drinking too much.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we couldn't make it farming; we didn't own enough land, renting most of it. So we decided to move to the city, where my husband could use his university degree.
Strange how the mind works. Once we were in the city, it became the 'citified' thing to do to have a glass of wine with dinner. We had never done that on the farm. Of course, often the 'glass of wine' became much more than just a glass - for me, at least!
One evening after a party, my youngest child was about two, I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor blade. I was drunk. I felt guilty for what I was doing, not only to myself, but to my family. I wanted to 'cease to exist'. I figured they'd be better off without me. I was full of self-loathing, disgust, and fear. I was scared, I wanted to end my life, but I was afriad of going to hell.
I couldn't put that razor blade to my wrist, because I feared God.
And life went on.
I wrote quite a lot of 'free verse' in my drinking days, just trying to put some of my confusion and pain on paper ........
the hours pass slowly
the sky is dull grey
kids all underfoot
it's raining today
try to keep busy
but nothing goes right
first one thing, then another
I wish it were night
they call it frustration
or could be the blues
whatever its name
I've got it, I lose
..................................................
what madness is it that causes men
to consume themselves near blind?
certainly not for the after-effects,
unless one was out of his mind
happiness, gaiety, yeah these are the reasons
one gives; shall we call them excuses?
but what underlying cause of it all
to attribute to booze and its uses?
to drown their sorrows, curb their grief,
oh, for a short while life's sublime
until morning dawns and they're sick and alone
then these fools suffer some time
................................................................
restlessness billowing on thunderous clouds
pulsating, throbbing
Control - for control!
what for? why?
let it all hang out!
Ohhhh!
I am, I said! but
others don't see -
oh to do - to know what to do
to feel whole
................................................................
the clouds roll in of their own accord
dotting the sky of my mind
billowing, they spread out
become heavy, and fall
to the ground
sandwiched between the reality
of the earth and the dense fog
I am
weary, listless
suffocating from the fog
engulfing me
..........................................................
the cool grey dawn
greets a cool grey me
like a child I sit
waiting for the sun to come out
the afternoon clouds break
and the sun shines through
sharing its warmth with the earth below
the flowers reach up and nod their heads
I see it
but hide my head
in the lonely fog
of my mind
.........................................................
when I was young
I used to dream about
some grey blobs floating in my head
growing bigger, pulsating -
I used to wake up, frightened
that the blobs would grow so big
my head would burst -
and I would find it was only a dream ....
only
today
I'm not dreaming
..........................................................
the hours pass slowly
like an old man
shuffling along
for a rendezvous
with boredom
..............................................
life, thus far,
has been a series of mismanaged episodes
with me in the driver's seat
shuffling along
.....................................................
The above is a small smattering of the stuff I wrote in my drinking days. A whole lot of self-pity.
Then, January 2, 1980 I sobered up.
I met the woman who became my sponsor at my second meeting. She was great, always there for me, but she did NOT play games. One of the very first things she said to me: "You ask God for help in the morning. And you thank Him at night." She also said that when I get uptight or upset about something, to quietly say to myself: "Be still, and know that I am God".
I went to lots of meetings. Learned slogans. 'Fear is the absence of faith.' 'One day at a time.' 'Stay away from the first drink.' 'Ask God for help in the morning, and thank Him at night.' 'Go to meetings.' 'Do your steps.'
And, of course, the Serenity Prayer -
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Doing those things saved my life. And, of course, reading and 'doing' the Big Book. Doing the Steps, all of them. Going to meetings. Praying to God, Whom I was just barely getting to know. But I was learning to trust Him.
.......................................................................
The next part of "What's It All About" I wrote in 1988, as I was reminiscing about my life.
"In my world, many people are divorced, at least once; live or have lived with someone outside of marriage, and are rather to the left of the 'Establishment'. Do I consider it a sin not to be part of the Establishment? No! A lot of us have been through hell and back again. God loves us just as much as He does the Establishment!
God doesn't tell me I have to believe in Him the way the Catholic Church tells me I should, or the Alliance Church, or any particular Church. God discloses Himself to me the way He discloses Himself to me. I can't deny my own experience.
I utterly believe in Him and love Him, and desire Him to control my life. The St. Francis Prayer says, "Let me be an instrument of Thy peace." That, too, is what I pray. Let me be as He would have me be.
He often puts me in situations where I can learn something and teach something. I am open to learning, I am teachable, and I have a thirst for the knowledge of God. It has drawn me a good part of my life.
At first I didn't know what I wanted to know - I thought something like "there's got to be more to it than this". "It" being life. What is my purpose here? What's it all about? I read about psychic phenomena and UFOs and the pyramids; about astrology and life after death and ESP; about how the mind works, and different philosophies and religions, and psychiatry and Transcendental Meditation ......
and I was going crazy because I wasn't getting anywhere.
But then I saw that the things I was learning were merely a part of the bigger picture, which is God. However, it was necessary for me to learn those things.
My mind asks me the questions, and I have to find the answers. Although some of the questions may not be very 'nice', they still had to be answered, or I felt I would go insane.
SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES
It was only after coming into AA that I discovered it was God I had been looking for. I remember it exactly. It was in my first couple of months of sobriety, and I was at a Friday night meeting. I suddenly felt that I had 'come home' - the Prodigal Daughter. And I felt forgiven by God, and knew that He would help me to understand Him. That was my first 'spiritual experience'. (I have had many since then.)
My second spiritual experience also took place in my first year of sobriety. I was working on Step 6 - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". And I found it so difficult, because I knew how weak I was in some areas, and I knew I was not the person I wanted to be.
One particular day, sometime in the fall, I was in my bedroom reading my Big Book, and praying for the willingness to give up all those things, because some of those things I rather enjoyed; and I was praying that God would give me the willingness. I knew I didn't have it in me, and if I was going to get it, it would have to come from Him. All good things come from God.
I was also afraid; afraid that in doing this step I was promising that from that moment on I would be perfect - and I knew I'd fail. God did not make me perfect; He made the 'creature' subject to vanity.
Anyhow, I remember, I was thinking about these things, and praying for God's grace - and it happened. It was almost physical. It was as though He tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, Maureen, you don't have to be perfect. I love you just the way you are. All you gotta do is try."
There was a time when, if someone had told me that story, I would have said, "Yeah, sure. God talks to you. Sure." And thought her/him to be a weirdo.
But it happened. To me. And when I told people about it at meetings (where we shared our experience, strength, and hope with one another), they knew what I was talking about. God sometimes talked to them too.
Can you understand that the only way I can 'believe' in God is through my own experience of Him? I cannot limit my experience of Him by what a Church - any church - teaches. I firmly believe that the more we seek Him, the more He discloses Himself to us. And I seek Him. Daily.
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The next segment addresses my newfound belief in the Bible. Stay tuned!
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